New Series: House Reviews

It’s a whole wide world out there all right – but what if your whole wide world is inside? Mine sure is. Not only is Old Man Mercury showing off his limbo skills (SPOILER ALERT: How low can he go? To a wind chill of 11), I have a predilection for homebody rocking courtesy of my Cancer personality profile.  And with a newfangled baby in tow, I need to calculate the ROI before deciding to leave the house. These factors are blossoming into borderline agoraphobia. Aside: Is angoraphobia a thing? If so – don’t tell Ed Wood!

This is what it feels like when I leave the house

And you know what? One man’s stifling isolation is another lady’s paradise. I love not leaving my house during business hours, but don’t worry, I’m not creepy about it. I keep my person, my child, and the house nice and clean, I make healthy meals, and I’ve cultivated a rich catalog of song and dance routines that I perform for my baby. I think it’s a real nice place to be.

Being alone with one’s thoughts is the life of a writer, and one of these thoughts is, “I used to write reviews about different snacks in the vending machine at work, but now I never leave the house. I should start reviewing the objects and places inside my own home. Everybody is dying to read that.”

So here I am, about to take off your “thinking cap” and replace it with a “relaxing beret,” and give you a glimpse inside my world. Sit back, emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, and get a load of what I’ve got in my house – and what I think about it.

You might be saying to yourself, “Opinions are like children – you think yours doesn’t stink, so who are you to judge?” And I might respond, “The internet was made for having things to say, so here I am.”

Today’s House Review is: The main toilet.

This toilet is okay, but I don’t want to disparage it because if I talk smack and it stops working I’ll have only the power of my mind and the Law of Attraction to blame.

I think when our place was being built, the builders used the toilet lid as a place to rest their tools (now it’s a place to rest one’s stools). It’s very scratched. When I was a kid I thought certain things were the epitome of luxurious living, including Entenmann’s, water beds, and padded toilet seats. We should get a padded toilet seat instead.

Image

Clockwise from left: A plunger just in case; lid damage; brand of toilet

The flush power on this puppy isn’t too shabby, and it can usually unclog itself after a particularly active morning. I’m not a fan of its lines; I like a bigger, boxier commode, and I feel like it sits kind of low to the ground. Toilet, I’ll give you 3.5 out of 5 stars.

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