Tag Archives: Toddlers and Tiaras

One Of Those Days: How-To Edition

Sometimes it’s one of those days where you come home from work, power up into your exercise suit and squat your way to world domination. Other days you’re paralyzed by the cast iron grip your workplace has on your colon, and after you hysterically send your husband on a wild goose chase for your missing grip socks because you’re spiraling out of control, you collapse, grateful, into your beloved cashmere pants with nothing left to give.

Once you give up though, the feeling of guilt and despair is exhilarating. Nothing is standing between you and however low you want to go. Last night, it was a DVR rock block Beverly Wives (that’s what the insiders call RHOBH) and T & T (again, industry lingo for Toddlers and Tiaras). As part of a pre-honeymoon health “initiative” I’m laying off the rosé. But that shouldn’t keep me from enjoying a few “Chocolate Wine Grapes” while I wonder about pageant moms who do other contestants’ hair and makeup for the same show their kid is in. Is it a conflict of interest or strictly professional? I think it’s a case of c’est la vie and you can tell THAT to the judge.

So in these last 2 paragraphs you may have noticed where this is going. Or maybe my words are caressing you to sleep. Anyhoo, if “cashmere pants” and “Chocolate Wine Grapes” jumped out at you like the man in a gorilla suit on an episode of “Just For Laughs,” you could give JB Fletcher a run for her money. As I peeled myself off the recliner to head to bed, I happened to look down and mused, “There’s certainly no way a Chocolate Wine Grape rolled beneath my loins and under my cheeks to form a warmed choco patty in this last hour and a half. I must have pooped myself in the recliner while watching TV and simply didn’t notice. Woops.”  However the sniff test revealed the truth. And the truth was a Chocolate Wine Grape rolled beneath my loins and under my cheeks to form a warmed choco patty sometime between Taylor’s apology to Camille and a visit to Perfection Studios in Arkansas.

I used to say “I never buy nice clothes because everything I own has a chocolate stain on it.” And from this story you might unfurl a Ziggy-style lesson and slap me with a coupon that says “This entitles you to one free hug.” But no, not everything I own has a chocolate stain on it. Because I got this one out! Here’s how.

  1. Loosen any loose choco without actually touching it.
  2. Run stains under cold water
  3. Turn on your Spinbrush and loosen more choco
  4. Nothing’s happening. In the 70s people always used club soda to get out drink stains that they spilled on other people. Splash some seltzer on there. Why not?
  5. I wonder what would happen if I stuck my Spinbrush in the Seltzer bottle. Will it get real fizzy? No. Is the water now contaminated? Who can say. Apply seltzer-ed brush to stain.
  6. Get some laundry detergent and spot-soak for 5 mins
  7. Take a Q tip and rub the stain away
  8. Lay cashmere pants flat to dry overnight for tomorrow night’s adventures

Later that night I had a nightmare that I was a contestant on Supermarket Sweep and was forced to slowly wheel through the wine section without putting anything in my cart. Sweet dreams are made of thi-is – chocolate wine grapes that is.