Burt’s Bees

The other night I found myself watching “Heat” with Burt Reynolds and Howard Hesseman (and Peter MacNicol, whose most stunning personal trivia seems to be that he “is one of four “24” actors to appear in every episode of the only season in which they appeared.” Huh? And Zzzz.)

Anyhoo, if you find yourself in a similar situation and you’re throwing YOURSELF “Evening Shade,” might I recommend exiting your home as calmly and quickly as possible. Slap yourself, and yell something like “Get a hold of yourself!” or “What’s wrong with you!” Once you’ve come to your senses and it’s safe, you may return to your living room to watch something else. You should probably cancel Netflix, because you just can’t rely on other people’s bad taste. Who gave “Heat” 4.5 stars?

So, when I find myself watching a terrible movie, my mind makes up it’s own million dollar ideas between bites of whatever block of cheese I’m gnawing on at the time. And my mind came up with this:  Burt deserves a triumphant 3rd Act in his life and career. So, I’d like to offer Burt Reynolds his own franchise called Burt’s Bees.

To start, a film and sequel, television miniseries and perhaps an overseas-distributed children’s cartoon. Let’s celebrate the fact that there is already a cosmetic line called Burt’s Bees and we’ll take that promotional tie-in to the next level.


Burt Reynolds stars as Burt, a cantankerous Holloywood legend. Retirement doesn’t suit him, and he somehow finds himself coaching a girls softball team to while away the lonely nights. The team: The “Bad News” Bees. There’s confusion because every few minutes someone says “Wait a minute – are you THAT Burt?” And he’s like, “No, I’m just the coach.” And then that someone replies “Oh it’s a shame you’re not him, I just adore that Burt’s Bees line of lip balms” or “Oh it’s a shame you’re not him, I wasted 45 minutes of my life watching “Heat” last night, and I want to make someone pay.”  LAUGHS!!

Stuff happens and then it turns out HE IS the head of the Burt’s Bees corporation, he was just trying to keep it on the down low. Hilarity ensues when Burt’s Bees (the softball team) “buzz” about the latest samples he hands out after practice.

Forgive my highbrown paraphrase, but as Marky Mark said in “The Happening:” Don’t you want to know what happened to the bees?

Because I do.

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